I received my first college acceptance letter on Friday and it did feel nice. It definitely brightened up my mood, which was kind of lousy beforehand :) The excitement I felt opening the envelope was an excitement incomparable to any I've felt before! I have only Allah (swt) to thank. I feel secure now that I have some sort of assurance for the future which doesn't seem as cloudy to me as it did previously. Hopefully I won't experience senioritis anytime soon, lol. I'm trying to control it as best as I can.

I was so unbelievably pissed off during journalism class today. I can't even begin to explain how I felt or what I wanted to say but couldn't because I was too enraged to even try formulating coherent sentences stating my viewpoints. I just sat there with a million thoughts going through my mind, and every time I even attempted to articulate my thoughts before raising my hand to have my say, I just couldn't. I was too angry to do anything but sit there.

What happened was we started discussing the Israel and Palestine conflict, which is what the topic of discussion has been for the past week or so. I swear my teacher needs to give some sort of crash course for the people in my class to understand the situation, even just the basics. It's not that I have a problem discussing it in a class with people with little to no knowledge about the situation, it's just that there are people in there, other than the ones with no knowledge, that choose to assert their thoughts in such a way that it's downright offensive and uncalled for. For example, a girl in my class innocently stated after being informed by my teacher about the background of the conflict, "we should just let the Palestinians move to Alaska or somewhere." As strange as her comment was, she didn't mean anything by it, and I don't think her comment was meant to be taken seriously anyway. The boy that sits behind me replied with a chuckle, "we can't. They like to kill people." Okay, so I'm completely against suicide bombings and unjust murder, too, but what the heck? Way to look at both sides of the conflict. Why do people choose to completely ignore what the Israelis have done to the Palestinian people? Thousands of Palestinians have been killed by Israeli raids on settlements. Hundreds of Palestinian children have been killed by Israeli troops during the intifadah. Just last month, a thirteen year old Palestinian girl walking home from school was shot by twenty bullets. The troops that were responsible believed the girl was sent by Palestinian militants to lead them away from the outpost so they could be attacked by snipers. The girl's family said she was on her way to school. Her bag contained only school books. Tell me, what did she do to deserve her death? So many Palestinians have been displaced from their homes which were destroyed, as if they had no right to the land whatsoever. Earlier, the same boy had commented, "Palestinians are simply not willing to share. They're fighting for the land with the Israelis, the land that was declared as Israel, a home for the Jews after World War II." What about the Palestinians that were already there? This struggle has been going on way, way before World War II, for over a thousand years.

It just made me so frustrated. Other quite ignorant and baseless statements were made but I won't go into them or else I'll get even more annoyed. The most I can do I speak up. Tomorrow, after I do a little more research on the conflict tonight, I'm going to bring up all these points as well as others in class. I know the whole background and history of Israelis and Palestinians, but I just want to kind of "fine tune" everything and collect my thoughts so I don't come off as someone that doesn't know what the heck she's talking about.

Anyway, other than journalism class, today was an okay day. My AP European history teacher bogged us down with a ridiculous number of assignments to do over Thanksgiving break, which I find extremely irritating because I wanted to actually enjoy the long weekend and not spend every waking minute working on school-related stuff. Oh well. I guess I should have expected this considering it's an AP class, and AP classes are meant to be absolute time consumers. Truth be told, I enjoy the class, but sometimes it can get overwhelming.

I love my friends. I don't say that as often as I should, so I thought I would. Although we have our differences, and although the distances between us have increased significantly over time, I'll still miss them when this year's over. I'll miss the laughter and joking that took place at our table in the school cafe, and I'll miss our sometimes deep and thought-provoking discussions on the phone or online. I'll miss having someone to cry to and actually understand my reasons, which often were convulated and confusing to those other than my friends. I love my friends for accepting me for who I am, and staying with me through the changes I underwent last year, like when I began wearing hijab. Other people might have judged me or turned their backs away from me, but they didn't do that, despite them having different upbringings and beliefs. And I always wonder if we'll keep in touch after this year. Ten years down the road, will we still talk to and see each other on a regular basis like we do now? Even two years from now, will we even be friends? I hope we don't grow apart. I really don't, so that's why I'm going to give these friendships my all during the next few years when we all go off to our separate directions, or else I'll regret not trying.

There are certain moments, conversations, confrontations, or whatever else, that I play over and over again in my mind, analyzing each and every word and action, wondering what it could have indirectly meant. Some things don't immedietely click at the moment they happen, and it's only later when I truly think about them and reflect on them that I interpret the true meaning. At least, what the meaning was according to me. In most cases, it's simply too late, and if there was something that I wished I had said or done at the time, I can't.

One thing about me that will always be the cause of my downfall is my tendency to overanalyze. Everything that happens to me, I scrutinize and think about to the point where in my mind the topic is beat to the pulp. Other people merely shrug things off with an indifferent attitude and not think twice. I, on the other hand, can't seem to let go. Why can't I be more like other people?

I realized I never blogged about Eid day. Honestly, this wasn't the best Eid ever. Last year's Eid, as I recall it, was simply amazing. I don't know what it was about it that made it so special and memorable, but it was really something. The feeling of someone missing at Eid last year was strongly evident. It was my first Eid without the presence of my grandfather. However, it was an enjoyable Eid nonetheless, and I'm sure that pleased my grandfather. My grandfather had passed away months before, so the pain that was strong during the months directly following his death had lessened over the course of the year. Pain does subside over time.

This year's Eid was quite different since we were forced to act more serious than usual since my khala (mother's sister) had invited the maulana and his family over. We couldn't act like our normal, eccentric selves without the fear of embarassment. I personally thought that was disappointing, but was also too embarassed to be my usual self.

We stopped by at my mumani's (mother's sister-in-law) house for a little while. Since her father had passed away nearly a month ago, she wasn't going to my khala's house for Eid. I felt extremely sad while I was there, and seeing the pain in my mumani's face was too much to bear. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a father. I wished there was something that I could have said or done to make things better, but I knew there was not a thing that could lessen my mumani's pain. She looked up from the Qu'ran that she was reading and complimented me on how I looked. I couldn't bear it. I just felt horrible standing there in my Eid clothes and ready to enjoy the evening while she was there grieving over her father's death.

After a little bit, she left for work and my family made our way over to my khala's house. We were the first ones there, but after a short while, more and more of my family began to show up. The hours slowly passed by. After eating, all of us were sitting in the living room, dead as can be. Everyone seemed so drained of energy and life this Eid. My cousin thought playing the game 'telephone' would be a great way to break the ice, and so that's what we did! Does anyone know that game? I'm sure you all do. It was quite popular back when I was in elementary school. Anyway, so there we were sitting, a bunch of college students, high schoolers, and even college graduates, laughing and giggling like kids while playing telephone. Those moments were probably the highlights of the evening.

So although this year's Eid didn't quite match up in greatness to previous Eids, it was in the least decent. I didn't particularly have fun as I usually do, but I should be thankful for at least being able to be with my family. Some people don't have the opportunity to do that, and it'd only be selfish of me to undermine Allah's (swt) blessings.

I just compiled a list (if you can even call it that) of future events and happenings in hopes of them becoming a source of motivation for me. Imagine my utter disappointment at the fact that I couldn't go any further with the so-called list after five or so items. I mentioned a few things, such as Thanksgiving weekend, senior banquet, winter break, college acceptances, and last but definitely not least, graduation. See, I wanted the list as written proof that there are indeed things that I can look forward to. Motivation is something that is surely lacking these days. I need the will power to push myself to achieve whatever it is I want to achieve.

Funny how there's nothing I can fall back on like I used to. I always had some sort of backup or alternative plan that would suffice for the time being. I don't have that anymore, and that's what kills me.

It is somewhat of a relief to me that not as many people come here anymore besides a select (cool) few. Heh. I don't feel as though I'm writing for an audience, which is something that I sort of mentioned in my entry below. Maybe that's why I'm not so hesitant to update these days, because I don't have to worry about people forming distorted perceptions of me in their minds. I like keeping things on the down low instead of the world knowing about everything there is to know about me. Even in person I'm of the reserved type. I'm the type of person that stays in her corner and observes more than participates. I'm an introvert, I guess.

I was about to go further with where I was getting at above with the backup plan thing, but then I kind of stopped. I didn't know whether it would be right to elaborate. I guess I'll get to it some other time. For now, I must go complete my reading for AP Euro. Fun.

I figured I should probably update this since it's been nearly a half a month, heh. Truth is I can't seem to word my thoughts lately, so that's partially the reason why I don't give this site as much attention as I should. Attempting to do so is a pain I'd really like to avoid. It's not that I don't have anything to say, because I do have many rants and whatnot that I'd love to get off my mind. It's just that I'm afraid of people misinterpreting me and taking me the way I didn't intend to be taken. That's something so ridiculously easy to do online, isn't it? You don't know the writer's tone of voice or his or her actual intentions. You can't completely sense sarcasm or the lack of seriousness in a writing. I know I shouldn't concern myself with other peoples' reactions, but for a person like me, that's difficult not to do. I'm the type of person that cares about what other people think.

Usually when I start blogging, I write the entry without a set topic in mind, so most of my entries turn out to be disorganized and all over the place. I'd like to change that, because I think as a writer, it's not a good habit for me to have. I need to write with a consistent pattern in mind instead of typing whatever comes to my fingers. Then again, typing whatever comes to my fingers is a great form of therapy anyway, so it's not as if I don't benefit from blogging. I want to get back into the scheme of things with blogging, because lately I don't seem to have any sort of medium for venting or expressing myself.

Anyway, what else is going on in my life? You know, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. Why should I even write about my life? It's not like anyone would come here especially to read about my thoughts and musings. Sometimes I feel as though I'm talking to myself. Well, then again, I technically am since it's not like I blog for specific people. I blog for myself, which is how it should be. Anything other than that would be slightly frivolous.

I have a major headache. Oh well, one hour until I get to eat! Eid is tomorrow, insha'Allah. I'm not going to start talking about how fast this Ramadan went by, because everyone's done it enough and I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about it again. All I'm going to say is that I didn't take as much advantage of this Ramadan as I should have, and that's completely my fault. I'm not going to blame it on circumstances or whatever else, because that would be dishonesty on my part, and I can't do that. Khair, there is always the rest of the year to improve myself, and who says it's only during Ramadan that we should take advantage of the bounties of Allah (swt)?

I'll end this entry with a few lines from a song that fits my current frame of mind :)

Hum dil de chuke sanam
Tere ho gaye he hum
Teri kasam
Ye duniya kare sitamb
Tujhpe mitnege hum
Teri kasam