Oh man, oh man... I had this whole amazingly wonderful entry typed out and boom, an error message popped out of nowhere and there went my spontaneous thoughts which will be back who knows when. Maybe later. Maybe never. Sigh. Life sucks. Today sucks. Some people are horrible and should be kicked off the face of the earth. They don't deserve to breathe my air. I'm serious. Gr. I just want to kick someone right now. I mean, something did happen but I'd rather not talk about it. Hmm, just maybe I will talk about it later in my entry. Just maybe.

Anyway, there is something that's been crawling under my skin and hasn't been making any indication of leaving. It's been driving me crazy. I know it's horrible to constantly worry about how others percieve you and all that shiz, but sometimes that's hard for me not to do. I know, I know, it's not a great quality to possess, if you want to call it that. It's as if I have no control over it and I can just never suppress that anxiety. I hate having to censor myself when conversing with people because it's just plain annoying. I mean, I should have the decency to truly express how I feel inside, right? I've always wanted to be the type of person who willingly contributes innermost thoughts and emotions, awing people with bluntness and persistance on voicing what's inside and never for a second hesitating to talk. Why can I not change myself to become just that? Why is it so extremely difficult for me to just let the words flow out and do their thing? Yeah, I'm aware of the fact that I'm ridiculously pathetic and will probably never amount to anything if I keep treading this path of censorship and the need to please others.

However, I'm not too bad in that respect any longer. This quality of mine that I possess, or used to possess, has been dying down lately. It's amazing how much a person can change in such a short period of time. The person that I was only a few years back is hardly the person that I am now. I'll probably be saying the same exact thing five years from now, laughing at my current self and my life.

And so I was rejected from the PAL (Peers As Listeners) program at my school. It's this thing where seniors mentor freshmen on issues having to do with school, drugs, and alcohol. Yeah, it sounds a bit cheesy but that's what it is and it looks really good on college transcripts. Besides, I wouldn't have minded being able to meet new people and just basically talking to them and socializing. Anyway, and so I was rejected after my application was reviewed by the PAL committee. You know what's wierd? The PAL committee consists of a bunch of teachers and each application that is submitted is reviewed by only one teacher of the committee. Thing is, nearly all of the teachers that are part of that committee are teachers that I've had in my years at this school. Yeah, that can be a good thing or a bad thing and in my case, it's a terrible thing. I'm usually quiet in a class in which there is no one I really know... in the classes that I've been taught in by these teachers, that was the case. Now, these teachers are under the wrong impression that I'm a meek person who's incapable of talking it out with other people and being outspoken. That's unbelievably false and not at all how I'm like in reality. Once I start talking, I just can't get myself to stop... giving advice is really my specialty, not a weakness. Most of the teachers are just biased, never willing to consider the fact that I'm not necessarily the same person inside the classroom as I am outside of it. Sigh. Stupid teachers. I hate them. I really do. I think my application was near perfect, not lacking a single thing, lol. I really wish the selection system was designed in a way so that the teachers wouldn't know who's application they're reviewing, and just base their selection on the application itself rather than the person that they supposedly claim to know. Maybe use ID numbers instead of names? Anyway, no point in discussing this now since nothing can be done.

Anywho, we returned from California yesterday at around eight at night. The flight was at eight thirty in the morning and so we had to wake up at four. Argh, wasn't pleasant at all. Seeing my great-grandfather, however, was something that I'll never be able to forget. He's such a great person, just wow. Tears wouldn't stop coming out of my eyes the night before we left and the morning after that. It's just so sad how little we see him due to the fact that he lives on the other side of the country. I really do hope his health improves and his cancer doesn't spread. Just please include him in your du'as whenever you can and I'd be so grateful. Pray that his surgery that's supposed to take place in July goes fine. Just please do this. At least for me? I could go into so much more detail about California and all that occured but at the moment, my motivation is lacking and my brain's capability to think seems to be deteriorating by the second.

My dad came home from work at around one in the afternoon to take my brother and I to our dentist for a checkup. While I was waiting for my mother after my appointment, I started a conversation with a young girl reading a Popular Science magazine and occupying the chair across from mine. Although at first glance most people would assume her to be extremely young, she said she was in the third grade. So we were talking and it turned out that she was reading the magazine for a school project, heh. Her mom and brother came out of a room and they seated themselves next to her. Her mom wouldn't stop glancing over at me. However, it wasn't anything that would make me feel uncomfortable because it was casual and rather harmless. Suddenly she asked me where I'm from and so I told her. Turned out she was a Syrian Muslim, hehe. I could have never imagined that they were Muslims. Masha'Allah, it's nice to come across Muslims like that considering the fact not many are to be found around where I live. She curiously inquired, "do people ever taunt you or say anything negative about your scarf?" I responded, "suprisingly enough, people that I've came across have been incredibly respectful to me." You know, it's funny when people ask me that question because I always have the same answer and others expect something completely different from what I respond with.

Hmm, tomorrow's my last free day before we leave. A part of me just wants to spend the rest of spring break here, not having to commit to anything. Sure, I want to see and experience something new but now's not the time for me. I haven't been feeling too great today and neither am I in the best of moods. I guess part of it has to do with the fact that my throat's been aching like crazy. I don't know what I could have done to cause it but I hope the soreness goes away soon. This is probably going to be my last update for a while, unless I decide to update tomorrow or from California.

I finished the PTV drama, Lab-e-Dariya, a little while ago. Yeah, I guess you can call PTV dramas a guilty pleasure of mine. It's what got me in a depressed mood because the ending was a great shock to me, lol. It ruined the whole atmosphere of the drama but my mom argues that it was a realistic ending. I'm a sucker for happy endings. Nevertheless, it was a good drama. My mom claims that I look exactly like the girl who plays Shafi Muhammad's daughter, Naheed Shabbir.

I put up a tagboard after a long, long time of not having one so go on and drop a comment or two to let me know you've been here. It's looking mighty empty at the moment. I also added a bunch of new links to the left so yeah, go check them out when you have a chance.

Sometimes I worry too much for my own good and other times, I just don't worry enough. Sigh. It's like a neverending cycle. Nevertheless, I'm not going to stress over what my last entry's rambles were talking about. I'm simply going to live life day by day instead of mapping out each and every element of it. If I have a mind set on pursuing that direction, what's the fun in anything? Funny thing is that now I'm not nearly as confused and perplexed as I was two days ago. I've grasped a more clear understanding of what I want from my life. Insha'Allah, I hope to keep gaining focus of the bigger picture so I can eventually come to discover what's right for me and what's not.

The past week had been one of much discomfort and tumultuously overwhelming feelings of stress. Alhamdulillah, at least I survived the last week of the third marking period that I thought was never going to terminate. As one of my recent entries had stated, this spring break will consist of all that I haven't had a chance to do in what seems ages. Sleeping sounds unusually attractive compared to everything else that is on my list of things to do. I just hope I manage to snag some "me" time before we depart for California. Time to myself is what I need more than anything.

Hmm, this is rather off topic but I tend to do that a lot so I don't really care. So much can be misinterpreted online and that's one of the things that I don't particularly like about the net. It's strange because you can not mean something and the person on the other end will understand it as something entirely different from your original intentions. Eh, everything good comes with consequences. People should at least attempt to word their thoughts in a very specific way, making sure to oversee the overall tone of their words, so as not to send across the wrong or unintended message.

My family will be going to the mosque in New York tonight after weeks. I don't know, it was all so sudden and unexpected that I was surprised. Hmm, going there is always an interesting experience. Besides, I get the oppurtunity to reunite with my wonderful cousins who always manage to make me smile. They're just incredibly cool. I know I mention them a lot in my entries or at least, I believe I do. I probably do once in a while. Anyway, so I'm anticipating going there again. Woohoo :)