Funny how just by my mom's vivid accounts of certain relatives of mine that reside in Pakistan, I have these clear images of them imprinted in my mind. How accurate they are, I don't know, but I'd like to find out someday. How long has it been since I've been to the motherland? Sad, but I was about a year old the last time I went, and that was for my mamoo's (mother's brother) wedding. People that I know visit often, maybe every year or every other year, and here I am, someone that has no idea about how it's like besides from the stories that others have relayed to me. So I'd really like to go sometime, preferably next summer since it'll be the ideal time for me to go, the summer before college. Due to my parents' overprotectiveness, however, my hopes may be futile since the idea of my going alone would be completely illogical.

I always wonder why my parents hesitate so much about going. What's the big deal? They don't ever provide me with substantial reasons for not going, so I'm always left with the notion that they don't want to have anything to do with Pakistan. I know that sounds extremely harsh, but that's how it comes off. I don't know what I base my reasoning on, but this idea's been in my head for many years and I have a hard time dispelling it.

I simply miss everyone there, regardless of however little I know them. Their stories have become a part of me, and I'd like to elaborate on that part of me. That can only happen when I actually meet these people in flesh and see for myself.

I nearly had a heart attack this morning when my computer wouldn't start. After three weeks of being computer deprived, my dad finally managed to take some time out and see what's up with the computer. He installed a new hard drive and everything, but for some reason, the computer still wouldn't work normally. So for the past few days, I've been working using the safe mode with networking option. This morning when it wouldn't start, I seriously had a panic attack, lol. What if safe mode's stopped working, too? What if I never get to use my computer again?!? Oh my god! It really is scary how dependent I've become on my computer for the past few years, and the weeks that I didn't have any computer access were hard. Much to my relief, I tried restarting it a few hours later and suprisingly enough, it was working just fine! Shukr'Allah.

Well, I finally figured out that yes, I can get a gmail account of my own through my blogger account! Man, I should have realized this earlier, but nonetheless, I know have a gmail account that I can't stop gloating about, hah. If you want to email me or something, don't hesitate! Besides, I've been feeling pretty lonely this summer because I'm not getting to see my friends as often. While I didn't have computer access, my friends went behind my back and made plans (like having late night movie fests) and whatnot and didn't bother contacting me about them. Or they told someone unreliable to let me know about stuff, but the person either forgot or never bothered.

Sad, huh? The youth group meetings that I talked about a few entries down are going smoothly, alhamdulillah. Unfortunetely, it's pretty male-dominated as of yet because most of the group consists of guys. However, we're trying to get more girls involved but apparently a youth group that meets two hours once a week isn't worth their precious time. Girls suck.

Anywho, tonight is my first Princeton Review SAT class and boy, am I not excited. I feel as if my summer days are going to go to waste because I'll be having to actually think. Not good at all. Oh well, I chose to take the class and now I must.

I've learned a lesson and that is to not get in the way of other people. Even if you were only trying to extend a friendly hand, you only end up getting hurt and feeling sorry for yourself. I don't understand how people can be so ruthlessly harsh, completely undermining the fact that their words and actions can break others.

There are times when I start feeling so miserable but then I think to myself, "so what if no one's on my side? Allah (swt) is on my side and always will be, so why am I torturing myself instead of holding my head up?" And to know that Allah (swt) is listening to me and understanding me better than I understand myself is too great a comfort. Slowly the pain begins to subside and I don't feel as pitiful. Breathing becomes easier.

So I might get a job at Barnes & Noble. Woohoo, that means cash of my own! Honestly, I don't spend much to begin with. I'm not a huge fan of shopping so whenever I do have the need to go, it's my mom who drags me along her whether I want to go or not. My point is that I don't really need this job, but I'm going to go for it because I desperately need to fill up my time. It's the summer and the days are tediously long, so why not occupy my time with something that's somewhat productive, right?

There was a dawat at my house the Friday before the one that just passed and a lot of family from New York came over. My mom had planned it for my aunt that just came here from England for a visit after many years. My other aunt convinced my brother and I to spend a week at her house in New York, so of course I couldn't refuse since I have nothing else to do anyway. We returned from there yesterday. We did a lot with our cousins, including bowling, eating out, movies, and more. Overall, I had an awesome time and I wished I stayed longer than I did, which was about a week and a half.

While I was there, my cousin came up with the brilliant idea of starting a youth group. He called up prospective guys and I called up girls and as of yet, there are about twenty people willing to become a part of it. The first meeting will be on Sunday at the masjid near their house. Hmm, that does mean that every single Sunday, my brother and I will come all the way to New York to attend these weekly meetings. Sounds exciting, huh? Thing is, my cousin will see how it goes during the summer and then decide whether or not he should keep it going after the summer. Pray that we recieve a good response, insha'Allah.

On the other hand, life's been kind of confusing lately. Well, I'm perplexed about something specific and I don't know whether I should do something about it or just lay back and let the situation unfold itself. The former option can be risky considering my relationships with certain people can become awkward or even deteriorate. However, if I keep my heart optimistic, I can anticipate even something good happening as a result of taking action. Sigh. The latter option is just as risky, because if I never do a thing, then good things can be confounded out of my hands simply due to the reason that I didn't have the guts to initiate. I always turn to Allah (swt) for help and I just hope that everything falls into place as it should, and if things are not meant to be, and if I have to get hurt in order to prevent something worse happening in the future, then let me get hurt. It has happened before so what difference does one more time make?